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I keep getting asked…

I’ve been limping around for a lot longer that I thought I would be. See, I recently went to go workout at Wilson’s, and I stepped up to the treadmill. I’m no stranger to cardio – I love it! Normally, I go about a half-hour. This time, I thought, I was going to go for an hour. I was inspired by the contestants on the Biggest Loser. I could do it. I was on fire.

The run started out simply. I plugged in my iPod and started plugging away at mile #1. Within a couple of minutes, the woman in front of me changed the channel to VH1’s Rock of Love Tour Bus. “Hell yeah!” I thought. “An hour will be nothing!!” I unplugged my iPod and switched my headphones to the aweful-but-sooooo-entertaining reality mess. Things were good. I didn’t push myself too hard.

As my hour was wrapping up, I felt really good! During the last commercial break in the show (the episode featuring the first annual Redneck games, LOL), a promo came on for VH1’s Tool Academy – which I also watch – next up. I was already DVR-ing it at home, and like I said I was feeling really good on the treadmill. So, I decided to stick it out and do the treadmill for another hour while I watched my show.

I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT MYSELF, so I purposely walked quickly during the show-parts of the 2nd hour, and ran fast during the commerical breaks. I assumed my quads would hurt, but I was kind-of looking forward to it. Tight quads are normally a good hurt, to me.

My quads were not the issue. Rather, my quads ARE not the issue. It’s my ankles. I never would have thought that I’d strain my ANKLES – how wimpy is that?!  That deserves to be ask again: HOW WIMPY IS THAT?! Man, I AM getting old. I’ve been limping – on both feet – for 5 days now. Ridiculous…

If anyone asks me what happened, my standard reply is, “It’s not impressive.” This never seems to satisfy, so I normally then say, “I stayed on a treadmill too long”, which prompts a lot of laughter. Many people have instructed me to come up with a better story.

A liar, I’m not. A good storyteller, I am. So, I decided to atleast make it a good story. Here’s how it “happened…”

There was a burning building. I heard screams. I ran in and found a bunch of defenseless babies. I scooped all of them up in my safe, net-like arms. I fought the smoke and flames, heading for the safety of outside, when I heard whimpering. I looked to my left through the rubble and thats where I saw them – a mother dog sheltering her newborn puppy from the flames.

With my arms full, I channeled the Dog Whisperer, communicating with the mum what had to be done.

Instinctively, both she and her pup bit about my ankles, savaging the flesh and gnashing the bone. I winced in pain but did not cry out as to not further frighten the babies. I kept safe hold of all the babies, who had been crying but seemed now entranced with the ankle-meat-fest just a meter below.

I trudged on. Walking with the sheer determination you only see in movies – much like the Terminator when he knew he was oh-so close to Sarah Conner. Through the smoke and sweat, I robotically, emphatically marched to the beat of my own drummer. The song was “We are the Champions,” and as I reached the safety of the afternoon sun outside that fire-ravaged building, I knew I was.

My ankles woudn’t be the same ever again – not for a couple of weeks at least – but I knew it was worth it the second the mother dog began to lick my gnarled ankle. A thank you? Did she understand? I will never know. What I do know is both mother and dog-child were safe, as were the half dozen-or-so babies I had plucked from the horrors inside the fire-ravaged death trap behind me.

Death was everywhere that sunny day, but it was not with me. I laughed in its face and barked “Not today!”, as its retreated… off to find someone else – someone… weak.

So that’s it. That’s how it happened. You probably didn’t hear about it because the fire spread to all other media buildings in town expect mine, so no-one could report on it. Y107 could have, but until now, it was just too soon to recall. The wounds, still too raw (both literally and metaphorically). Surely you understand.

Leave a coment if you’d like. I won’t be making any more public comments about my experience and actions that awesomely heroic day.

Thank you.